How to Horror

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Courtesy: bloody-disgusting.com/videos/3377515/what-happened-to-movie-posters/

 

Horror movies are fun. However, there are only a few movies in this genre that actually have been able to scare me. It should be true for many others as well. Horror movies seldom have anything new to offer. Mostly, there are flying chairs, flying sheets, revolving heads; silly jump scares, floating baby heads, puking ghosts and eerie theme music. I am fed up of watching the same thing again and again. Even the found footage style movies that started with ‘The Blair witch project’ have become excruciatingly boring and repetitive. A major reason of this dilution may be attributed to the ‘Paranormal activity’ series. Cult horror themes like the ones used in ‘The Exorcist’, ‘Halloween’, ‘Jaws’, and ‘The Ring’ have been used and overused so many times that the average viewer can easily guess the next scene in any horror film.

I am an avid movie lover and with careful observation, research and abundance of free time, I have made a list of things to do in order to make a scary movie, a scarier movie. If you follow the instructions exactly, your mind will be blown and it will be THE BEST and most frightening movie watching experience of your life.

Note: Using these techniques will surely make your experience better, provided the film you are watching is slightly above average. Use IMdb as scale and use these techniques on movies rated 6.2 or higher.

Note 2: If you are single, this is not for you.

So, here goes:

  • Make sure you really want to watch the movie.
  • Watch it on a laptop or PC, not your television or tablet or phone.
  • Do not make popcorn.
  • Do not have anything to eat with the movie. Snacks are distracting.
  • Switch your phone off, disconnect any and all gadgets. Delete your facebook, Instagram, Snapchat.
  • Delete everything except Google+. Go to your Google+ page and let the creeping loneliness flow inside you. Take the feeling in.
  • Watch the film alone. Divorce your significant other if they ask to watch it together. Movies are above all relationships.
  • Buy high-quality earphones. DO NOT watch the horror movie on speakers or with headphones.
  • Make sure the room you watch this film in is completely dark. There shouldn’t be a speck of light anywhere. To make sure there is darkness, destroy your fuse box.
  • Meditate, to remove any other thought from your mind. Your brain should only think about the film and nothing else.
  • Kill your significant other if they are adamant on getting back together.
  • Listen to ‘tiptoe through the tulips’ on repeat. (The theme from Dead Silence can also be used.)
  • Start the screening session at 10 with a boring horror film. My suggestions are Hellraiser, The Innkeepers, any JAWS movie except the first one, any remake of classic horror films like ANOES, Friday the thirteenth, Texas chainsaw massacre and all.
  • Make sure the boring horror films ends BEFORE midnight.
  • Now, strap in, get comfy, jam the earphones harder in your ears, make sure the body of your significant other has been taken care of, and start the horror film you want to watch.
  • Stay silent during the entirety of the movie, enjoy the jump scares, only to find that this film isn’t that good.
  • Think about everything else you could’ve done with your time. Ponder upon what a failure you have been all your life.
  • Pay attention to yourself. Look at the time. It is way past midnight. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?

 

  • Wait, the list continues. Go to sleep cursing the director of the said movie.
  • Optional: Drop him/her a hate mail or two before sleeping.
  • Sleep
  • The ghost of your insignificant other haunts you. They are back for revenge and will not leave until they have killed you in the most brutal way possible.
  • Survive, if you can. (Pro tip: You can’t.)
  • PLOT TWIST: YOU ARE IN A HORROR MOVIE.
  • BOOm!!!
  • Mind=Blown!

 

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